{"id":498,"date":"2015-05-11T09:48:31","date_gmt":"2015-05-11T15:48:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/?p=498"},"modified":"2024-10-29T03:13:58","modified_gmt":"2024-10-29T09:13:58","slug":"working-with-low-self-esteem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/working-with-low-self-esteem\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Affirmations and Compliments Don&#8217;t Boost Low Self Esteem"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>You&#8217;re walking along a busy road when you spot a sweet old lady on the other side who needs help to cross the road.<\/p>\n<p>Do you:<\/p>\n<p>A) Shout and wave her over from your side, hoping she&#8217;ll dodge the racing traffic and roaring buses?<\/p>\n<p>or<\/p>\n<p>B)\u00a0Cross over, join her on her side, and then gently lead her safely to where she really wants to be?<\/p>\n<h3>Prefer to watch instead?<\/h3>\n<div class=\"video-container\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Watch Why Affirmations and Compliments Don\u2019t Boost Low Self Esteem\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/DJrb9f5SuUo?si=M3W9usnKDWh4xHC4&amp;rel=0\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe><\/div>\n<h3>Arguing with strong beliefs<\/h3>\n<p>One thing you might have found in your therapy work is that\u00a0no matter how factually based a <a href=\"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/dangers-of-excessive-praise\/\">compliment<\/a> is, a client with low self esteem seems to find a way to dismiss it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>You:<\/strong> <em>&#8220;I&#8217;m impressed you were promoted twice in one year! You&#8217;re clearly a hard worker!&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Client:<\/strong> <em>&#8220;Oh, that was just dumb luck. I suppose my boss felt sorry for me.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s really frustrating, but there&#8217;s a good reason why people with low self esteem do this.<\/p>\n<p>Low self esteem is a <i>highly emotionally charged belief<\/i>. And contradicting <i>any<\/i> belief, however well-intentioned and even logical your argument, will likely be met with strong resistance.<\/p>\n<p>Two important research findings help explain why this is:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>People with low self esteem are more likely to have been abused and bullied in the past, so their low self esteem beliefs have been forged through intense emotion <sup>(1)<\/sup>. And you can&#8217;t logically argue someone out of an emotionally driven belief.<\/li>\n<li>The famous (and much lauded) &#8216;positive affirmation&#8217; may actually <i>worsen<\/i> low self esteem <sup>(2)<\/sup>. So if they&#8217;ve been doing this, they will be feeling worse!<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>That&#8217;s why trying to contradict a client&#8217;s powerful belief system that they are &#8216;worse than others&#8217; or &#8216;unlovable&#8217; by telling them how special or wonderful they are is akin to trying to wave the old lady across the busy road. To them it seems an impossible (and dangerous!) distance.<\/p>\n\n<p>So how do we change a client&#8217;s negative view of themselves, if high emotion is clouding the logical truth?<\/p>\n<h2>Working with low self esteem can be hard. Here are 3 crafty techniques that (subtly) challenge the hold it has on your therapy client.<\/h2>\n<h3>1) Agree \u2013 and then disagree<\/h3>\n<p>Agree with the part of what they have said that you <i>can<\/i> agree with. Then gently put a more positive spin on it:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Client:<\/strong> &#8220;I <i>am just a waste of space! I&#8217;m a lousy mum!&#8221;<\/i><\/p>\n<p><strong>You:<\/strong> <i>&#8220;You&#8217;re a waste of space? Well, that&#8217;s what you believe,<\/i> [agreement] <i>but I&#8217;m happy that you&#8217;re taking up space here. In what ways do you want to improve as a mum?&#8221;<\/i><\/p>\n<p>Note how this isn&#8217;t so <a href=\"\/blog\/the-dangers-of-toxic-positivity\/\">overly positive<\/a> as to be an instant turn-off and how using the word &#8216;improve&#8217; <i>implies<\/i> that &#8216;lousy mum&#8217; is not a fixed state and that things can change positively. There is no outright contradiction.<\/p>\n<h3>2) Use metaphor to bypass conscious argument<\/h3>\n<p>Metaphorical language allows you to present a positive <i>pattern<\/i> to someone without directly contradicting their beliefs.<\/p>\n<div class='essb-ctt essb-ctt-modern' onclick=\"window.open('https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?text=Metaphorical+language+allows+you+to+present+a+positive+pattern+to+someone+without+directly+contradicting+their+belief&amp;via=marktyrell&amp;related=marktyrell&amp;url=https:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/working-with-low-self-esteem\/', 'essb_share_window', 'height=300,width=500,resizable=1,scrollbars=yes');\">\r\n    \t\t\t<span class='essb-ctt-quote'>\r\n    \t\t\tMetaphorical language allows you to present a positive pattern to someone without directly contradicting their belief\r\n    \t\t\t<\/span>\r\n    \t\t\t<span class='essb-ctt-button'><span>Click to Tweet<\/span><i class='essb_svg_icon_twitter'><svg class=\"essb-svg-icon\" aria-hidden=\"true\" role=\"img\" focusable=\"false\" width=\"32\" height=\"32\" viewBox=\"0 0 32 32\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\"><path d=\"M28.75 9.5c0 0.25 0 0.563 0 0.813 0 8.688-6.625 18.688-18.688 18.688-3.688 0-7.188-1.063-10.063-2.938 0.5 0.063 1.063 0.063 1.563 0.063 3.063 0 5.938-1 8.188-2.813-2.875 0-5.313-1.938-6.188-4.563 0.438 0.125 0.813 0.125 1.25 0.125 0.625 0 1.188-0.063 1.75-0.188-3-0.625-5.25-3.313-5.25-6.438 0-0.063 0-0.063 0-0.125 0.875 0.5 1.875 0.813 2.938 0.813-1.75-1.125-2.938-3.188-2.938-5.438 0-1.188 0.375-2.313 0.938-3.313 3.188 4 8.063 6.625 13.5 6.875-0.125-0.5-0.188-1-0.188-1.5 0-3.625 2.938-6.563 6.563-6.563 1.938 0 3.625 0.813 4.813 2.063 1.5-0.313 2.938-0.813 4.188-1.563-0.5 1.5-1.563 2.813-2.875 3.625 1.313-0.188 2.563-0.5 3.75-1.063-0.875 1.313-2 2.5-3.25 3.438z\"><\/path><\/svg><\/i>\r\n    \t\t<\/div>\n<p>For example:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Client:<\/strong> <i>&#8220;I just feel so worthless!&#8221;<\/i><\/p>\n<p><strong>You:<\/strong> <i>&#8220;Yes, it can be difficult to see your own worth for what it truly is, can&#8217;t it? A diamond, for instance, has no sense of its own amazing value and a beautiful painting can&#8217;t possibly know its own beauty&#8230;&#8221;<\/i><\/p>\n<p>There is no direct challenge to their statement. You might now quickly change the subject so the idea can work subconsciously, undisturbed by the usual &#8216;automatic negative filter&#8217;.<\/p>\n<h3>3) Reframe negatives as positives \u2013 but carefully!<\/h3>\n<p>Context is everything. A knife in the hands of a mugger is a very different thing from a knife in the hands of a surgeon. Find the positive quality in any &#8216;deficit&#8217; and gently turn it into a positive. For instance:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Client:<\/strong> <i>&#8220;My husband says I&#8217;m stubborn.&#8221;<\/i><\/p>\n<p><strong>You:<\/strong> <i>&#8220;Mmm&#8230; and in what other ways do you show that kind of determination?&#8221;<\/i><\/p>\n<p>No matter how good our intentions are, trying to wave the little old lady across the street doesn&#8217;t work. Instead, we therapists need to\u00a0gently guide our clients across the road and onto a happier future.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"\/blog\/how-to-lift-low-self-esteem-clients-course\/\">How to Lift Low Self Esteem in Your Clients<\/a> is my online course in how to tackle even the most desperate of cases of poor self worth. <a href=\"\/blog\/how-to-lift-low-self-esteem-clients-course\/\">Read more here<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Working with low self esteem is much easier when you understand how it is warping your client&#8217;s thinking style<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5905,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","filesize_raw":""},"categories":[64],"tags":[32,27,46,68],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v19.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why Affirmations and Compliments Don&#039;t Boost Low Self Esteem<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Working with low self esteem is much easier when you understand how it is warping your client&#039;s thinking style\" \/>\n<meta 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