{"id":393,"date":"2015-11-09T10:05:49","date_gmt":"2015-11-09T16:05:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/?p=393"},"modified":"2024-04-05T04:54:25","modified_gmt":"2024-04-05T10:54:25","slug":"dealing-with-resistant-clients","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/dealing-with-resistant-clients\/","title":{"rendered":"Working with Resistant Clients: 3 Tried and Tested Tips"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Halfway through our first session, I was so frustrated I felt like asking my client Harry to leave.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;d offer a strategy to help him quit smoking: &#8220;You know, many of my clients have found that&#8230;&#8221; And almost before I could finish my sentence, he&#8217;d retort with a head shake, &#8220;No, that won&#8217;t work for me, I know it.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;So, you&#8217;ve found that you feel the urge to smoke more when the stress is high at work?&#8221; I asked, summarizing what he&#8217;d said earlier, only to be met with another head shake. &#8220;No, Mark, I feel more like smoking when I have a lot of work to do <i>and<\/i> meetings that day at the office.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Even when it came time to do the hypnosis part of our session, Harry initially stayed alert and couldn&#8217;t \u2013 or wouldn&#8217;t \u2013 relax.<\/p>\n<h3>Prefer to watch instead?<\/h3>\n<div class=\"video-container\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/vGYReYXnKGs?si=M3W9usnKDWh4xHC4&amp;rel=0\" title=\"Watch Working with Resistant Clients: 3 Tried and Tested Tips\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe><\/div>\n<p>This was quite early in my career and I hadn&#8217;t yet encountered much resistance &#8211; clients who didn&#8217;t at least attempt to\u00a0engage with my therapeutic interventions. I took a few calming breaths of my own to resist an increasing desire to push Harry out the door \u2013 or perhaps the window.<\/p>\n<p>And then I suddenly found myself thinking about aikido, a martial art I&#8217;d studied in the past.<\/p>\n<h3>Therapeutic martial arts<\/h3>\n<p>If someone pushes you, should you push back?<br \/>\n\nIn some martial arts, the answer is no. Those fighting styles teach that when your opponent pushes, you pull. When they pull, you push.<\/p>\n<p>Rather than <i>resisting<\/i> the force of your opponent&#8217;s energy and conflicting with it, you <i>direct<\/i> it and &#8216;help&#8217; them&#8230; well, become more closely acquainted with\u00a0the mat. But we can do this in therapy by working <i>with<\/i> our clients&#8217; resistance to help them rise above what&#8217;s troubling them.<\/p>\n<p>There is a risk that we might see clients as being &#8216;resistant&#8217; when they are just disagreeing with us, but Harry was quite clearly pushing back against everything I offered. So I had to figure out how to pull.<\/p>\n<h2>Here are 3 things I did that can help you also deal with resistance in your clients<\/h2>\n<h3>1. Don&#8217;t take it personally<\/h3>\n<p>It&#8217;s perhaps natural to find yourself becoming exasperated or frustrated, as I was with Harry, when your client seems to balk at everything you say.<\/p>\n<p>But when I stopped to think about how to make progress in that session, I realized I could see this kind of behaviour as an <i>opportunity<\/i> and a bonus.<\/p>\n<p>Why? Because resistance, whatever it&#8217;s focussed on, is <i>energy<\/i> (just like that pushing and pulling) and all energy and motivation can be managed and used in therapy. (I&#8217;ll talk more about this in Tip 3.)<\/p>\n<p>When I relaxed and stopped &#8216;pushing&#8217; against Harry&#8217;s resistance, I\u00a0was able to figure out how to redirect his energy and we started making progress.<\/p>\n<p>So the more relaxed, detached, objective, and calm you can be when a client demonstrates contrariness, the more effective you&#8217;ll be in helping them.<\/p>\n<h3>2. See what&#8217;s behind it<\/h3>\n<p>One way to help yourself feel more objective about what seems to be resistant behaviour is to understand what may lie behind it.<\/p>\n<p>People display resistant behaviour for various reasons, including:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Habit<\/b> \u2013 They may live with someone with whom they are in constant conflict. Or perhaps they work in or were brought up in an environment in which they have\/had to constantly &#8216;fight&#8217; and they haven&#8217;t yet settled into a non-conflicting role.<\/li>\n<li><b>Status<\/b> \u2013 They may have an unsatisfied (but unconscious) <a href=\"http:\/\/www.hypnosisdownloads.com\/blog\/the-primal-human-needs\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">primal human need<\/a> for status and see every interaction as a tussle for supremacy. If this is the case, we may need to ensure that they feel this need is met before we can get down to other therapeutic work.<\/li>\n<li><b>Anxiety<\/b> \u2013 They may be seeking a sense of security and control through insisting on having everything on &#8216;their&#8217; terms and may be coming across as a control freak.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Harry was working in an underappreciated role he felt over-qualified for in a company that was threatening to lay people off, so it was understandable that he&#8217;d feel somewhat anxious about his future and ability to gain status!<\/p>\n<p>Appreciating that there is always something <i>behind<\/i> the resistance \u2013 whether it&#8217;s anxiety, out-of-control competitiveness, or merely the habit of contrariness \u2013 means you have a chance of handling\u00a0it effectively, rather than just emotionally reacting against it by becoming upset or angry yourself.<\/p>\n<h3>3. Use the resistance<\/h3>\n<p>In fact, don&#8217;t just use it. Positively <i>encourage<\/i> it!<\/p>\n<p>If you read the case studies of the psychiatrist\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/what-you-can-learn-from-milton-erickson-therapy-techniques\/\">Milton Erickson<\/a>, you&#8217;ll see that, time and time again, he encouraged the &#8216;resistance&#8217; of his patients, seeing it not as a problem but as a vital energy that could, if properly directed, actually help the client.<\/p>\n<p>This is a core principle on our <a href=\"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/how-to-stop-anyone-smoking-course\/\">&#8216;How to Stop Anyone Smoking&#8217; course<\/a>, where we show video footage of a woman telling me she is &#8220;trying not to resist the hypnosis&#8221;. I ask her <i>not<\/i> to try to be more compliant, but to try to &#8220;resist even more!&#8221; I then go on to talk about how &#8216;hypnotic&#8217; cigarettes can be and how she can really ramp up her resistance to those &#8216;hypnotic&#8217; cigarettes.<\/p>\n<p>We actually <i>want<\/i> our clients to be resistant \u2013 but only to what is really undermining them.<\/p>\n<div class='essb-ctt essb-ctt-modern' onclick=\"window.open('https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?text=We+actually+want+our+clients+to+be+resistant+%E2%80%93+but+only+to+what+is+really+undermining+them.&amp;via=marktyrell&amp;related=marktyrell&amp;url=https:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/dealing-with-resistant-clients\/', 'essb_share_window', 'height=300,width=500,resizable=1,scrollbars=yes');\">\r\n    \t\t\t<span class='essb-ctt-quote'>\r\n    \t\t\tWe actually want our clients to be resistant \u2013 but only to what is really undermining them.\r\n    \t\t\t<\/span>\r\n    \t\t\t<span class='essb-ctt-button'><span>Click to Tweet<\/span><i class='essb_svg_icon_twitter'><svg class=\"essb-svg-icon\" aria-hidden=\"true\" role=\"img\" focusable=\"false\" width=\"32\" height=\"32\" viewBox=\"0 0 32 32\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\"><path d=\"M28.75 9.5c0 0.25 0 0.563 0 0.813 0 8.688-6.625 18.688-18.688 18.688-3.688 0-7.188-1.063-10.063-2.938 0.5 0.063 1.063 0.063 1.563 0.063 3.063 0 5.938-1 8.188-2.813-2.875 0-5.313-1.938-6.188-4.563 0.438 0.125 0.813 0.125 1.25 0.125 0.625 0 1.188-0.063 1.75-0.188-3-0.625-5.25-3.313-5.25-6.438 0-0.063 0-0.063 0-0.125 0.875 0.5 1.875 0.813 2.938 0.813-1.75-1.125-2.938-3.188-2.938-5.438 0-1.188 0.375-2.313 0.938-3.313 3.188 4 8.063 6.625 13.5 6.875-0.125-0.5-0.188-1-0.188-1.5 0-3.625 2.938-6.563 6.563-6.563 1.938 0 3.625 0.813 4.813 2.063 1.5-0.313 2.938-0.813 4.188-1.563-0.5 1.5-1.563 2.813-2.875 3.625 1.313-0.188 2.563-0.5 3.75-1.063-0.875 1.313-2 2.5-3.25 3.438z\"><\/path><\/svg><\/i>\r\n    \t\t<\/div>\n<p>So, a chronic smoker&#8217;s or drinker&#8217;s resistance needs to be encouraged, harnessed, and then directed towards what has been destroying them. Not the therapist, the therapy, or change itself but the cigarettes and the booze.<\/p>\n<p>Recognizing that Harry tended to see things in terms of a tussle, I redirected my aim of\u00a0relaxing him by suggesting:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i>&#8220;Now, I don&#8217;t want you to <b>relax too quickly<\/b>&#8230;&#8221;<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Now that I seemed to be saying &#8220;don&#8217;t relax too fast&#8221;, if Harry was to continue to resist me, he&#8217;d <i>need<\/i> to relax quickly! And he did. Within moments, his eyes closed and he started to settle down into the hypnotic state where we&#8217;d be able to address his smoking more effectively.<\/p>\n<p>Because as Milton Erickson said on the subject of effective trance induction \u2013 which, really, can be applied to all effective therapy:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i>&#8220;Whatever the behaviour offered by the subjects, it should be accepted and utilized to develop further responsive behaviour. Any attempt to &#8216;correct&#8217; or alter the subjects&#8217; behaviour, or to force them to do things they are not interested in, militates against trance induction and certainly deep trance experience.&#8221;<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>I&#8217;ve created a training audio on dealing with resistant clients <a href=\"https:\/\/www.hypnosisdownloads.com\/hypnotherapist-courses\/deal-resistance\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2>You can learn more artful strategies to employ with resistant clients on the <a href=\"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/precision-hypnosis-course\/\">&#8216;Precision Hypnosis&#8217; course<\/a>.<\/h2>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What feeling like pushing a client out the window taught me about dealing with resistance in therapy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":12400,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","filesize_raw":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[81,70,32,76,92,27,119,120],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v19.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Working With Resistant Clients In Therapy<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What feeling like pushing a client out the window taught me about dealing with resistance in therapy.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" 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