{"id":381,"date":"2015-07-06T11:17:28","date_gmt":"2015-07-06T17:17:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/?p=381"},"modified":"2025-12-22T10:37:57","modified_gmt":"2025-12-22T16:37:57","slug":"3-reframing-techniques","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/3-reframing-techniques\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Reframe: &#8220;Life&#8217;s Not Fair!&#8221;"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;What have I done to deserve this?!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Recently diagnosed with a devastating illness and cheated on by her (now ex) fianc\u00e9 shortly after, Andrea certainly had cause for her lament.<\/p>\n<p>Her entirely understandable reaction of &#8216;why did this happen to me?&#8217; is one I&#8217;ve heard many\u00a0times in my career.<\/p>\n<p>As therapists and counsellors, we&#8217;ll sometimes hear clients focussing on how a particular situation (or even their lives generally) is or has been &#8216;unfair&#8217;.<\/p>\n<p>Now we <i>could<\/i> point out that life isn&#8217;t fair or that &#8216;fairness&#8217; is an entirely human construct. That the universe takes no notice of what we humans think we&#8217;ve earned or &#8216;deserve&#8217;.<\/p>\n<h3>Prefer to watch instead?<\/h3>\n<div class=\"video-container\" id=\"video\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/zfbESkEqoWo?si=M3W9usnKDWh4xHC4&amp;rel=0\" title=\"Watch How to Reframe: Life's Not Fair!\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe><\/div>\n<p>Or even that a lot of life is luck \u2013 we only need to look at the news or hear about friends of friends who have been brought low in some way to get a sharp reminder about the prevalence of misfortune.<\/p>\n<p>But of course this isn&#8217;t a particularly helpful or kind approach when we&#8217;re faced with clients who feel injured, damaged, or cheated by life&#8217;s vicissitudes.<\/p>\n<p>So how might we reframe this perception in ways that don&#8217;t invalidate how the client feels, but instead\u00a0offer a sense of wider perspective and hope?<\/p>\n\n<h3>Here are 3 reframing techniques to subtly challenge the feeling that &#8216;life&#8217;s not fair&#8217;.<\/h3>\n<h3>1) Align yourself with their perception of &#8216;fairness&#8217;<\/h3>\n<p>Rather than saying something like, &#8220;Who says life <i>should<\/i> be fair?&#8221;, we can maintain and build rapport with our client&#8217;s perception of the need for fairness while putting a hopeful spin on it.<\/p>\n<p>For example, I said to Andrea:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i>&#8220;These past few months, life has seemed unfair to you, with all the things you&#8217;ve told me about, all the ways you&#8217;ve found to strive and continue despite all that&#8230; And I am starting to really feel, very strongly, that you are now well overdue&#8230; some lasting good luck&#8230;&#8221;<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Language like this connects with the client&#8217;s sense that life <i>should<\/i> have some sort of &#8216;rules&#8217; of fairness and extends that idea \u2013 but in a positive way.<\/p>\n<p>Because research has found that when people start <i>looking out<\/i> for good luck, they&#8217;ll start to find it <sup>(1)<\/sup>.<\/p>\n<h3>2) Use others as metaphors<\/h3>\n<p>Drawing a direct, conscious comparison with someone obviously worse off seldom works. I definitely didn&#8217;t tell the suffering Andrea that there are people out there who have it worse than her &#8211; that would have broken rapport and been dismissive of\u00a0her serious troubles.<\/p>\n<p>However, when our clients feel life has treated them unfairly we can <a href=\"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/story-therapy-why-it-works\/\">offer anecdotes or stories<\/a> of more helpful role models without directly linking these to our clients&#8217; worries.<\/p>\n<div id=\"continue\"><\/div>\n<p>You can talk about anyone your client would most easily relate to, but if no one else seems a better fit, I often find it useful to talk about <a href=\"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/what-you-can-learn-from-milton-erickson-therapy-techniques\/\">Milton Erickson<\/a>, the great 20th century clinician who suffered severe polio and pain throughout his life.<\/p>\n<p>I might paraphrase his words about luck by quoting such pearls as:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i>Life is much better if sometimes it rains and sometimes it doesn&#8217;t&#8230;<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>&#8230;and go on to relate how Erickson often talked about adults who had had such &#8216;perfect&#8217; lives and had been such &#8216;model children&#8217; that they had &#8216;never learned the realities of life&#8217;. Of the effect of such a life, Erickson said:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i>&#8230;the diet of social development and health must include a reasonable amount of &#8216;roughage&#8217;.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>I\u00a0relate Erickson&#8217;s story almost as an afterthought or unrelated tangent some time after my client and I have talked about their unfair situation \u2013 and many other things in between. I&#8217;ve personally found it <i>most<\/i> effective to do this while my clients are in <a href=\"http:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/category\/hypnotherapy\/\">hypnosis<\/a>, that most receptive of listening and learning states.<\/p>\n<h3>3) Ask what they&#8217;ve learned<\/h3>\n<p>Bad luck should never be &#8216;wasted&#8217;.<\/p>\n<div class='essb-ctt essb-ctt-modern' onclick=\"window.open('https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?text=Bad+luck+should+never+be+%27wasted%27.&amp;via=marktyrell&amp;related=marktyrell&amp;url=https:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/3-reframing-techniques\/', 'essb_share_window', 'height=300,width=500,resizable=1,scrollbars=yes');\">\r\n    \t\t\t<span class='essb-ctt-quote'>\r\n    \t\t\tBad luck should never be 'wasted'.\r\n    \t\t\t<\/span>\r\n    \t\t\t<span class='essb-ctt-button'><span>Click to Tweet<\/span><i class='essb_svg_icon_twitter'><svg class=\"essb-svg-icon\" aria-hidden=\"true\" role=\"img\" focusable=\"false\" width=\"32\" height=\"32\" viewBox=\"0 0 32 32\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\"><path d=\"M28.75 9.5c0 0.25 0 0.563 0 0.813 0 8.688-6.625 18.688-18.688 18.688-3.688 0-7.188-1.063-10.063-2.938 0.5 0.063 1.063 0.063 1.563 0.063 3.063 0 5.938-1 8.188-2.813-2.875 0-5.313-1.938-6.188-4.563 0.438 0.125 0.813 0.125 1.25 0.125 0.625 0 1.188-0.063 1.75-0.188-3-0.625-5.25-3.313-5.25-6.438 0-0.063 0-0.063 0-0.125 0.875 0.5 1.875 0.813 2.938 0.813-1.75-1.125-2.938-3.188-2.938-5.438 0-1.188 0.375-2.313 0.938-3.313 3.188 4 8.063 6.625 13.5 6.875-0.125-0.5-0.188-1-0.188-1.5 0-3.625 2.938-6.563 6.563-6.563 1.938 0 3.625 0.813 4.813 2.063 1.5-0.313 2.938-0.813 4.188-1.563-0.5 1.5-1.563 2.813-2.875 3.625 1.313-0.188 2.563-0.5 3.75-1.063-0.875 1.313-2 2.5-3.25 3.438z\"><\/path><\/svg><\/i>\r\n    \t\t<\/div>\n<p>When reframing the unfairness of life with my clients, I don&#8217;t let the focus stay on what the client&#8217;s done or suffered, with whom, where, and how bad it&#8217;s all been.<\/p>\n<p>Instead I encourage them to consider instead what they&#8217;ve <i>learned<\/i> from their experiences, and keep coming back to this.<\/p>\n<p>To Andrea, I said:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i>&#8220;All that bad luck and misfortune has been a breeding ground for learning&#8230; Just as the most interesting trees are those that face storms \u2013 rain-lashed, wind-buffeted \u2013 and grow greater because of all that, unlike the spoilt saplings in their protective plastic cones&#8230; Just as a sailor&#8217;s skill can only increase by weathering the challenge of capsizing weather and waves&#8230; And over the next day or so, you can begin to notice more and more all the different things you&#8217;ve learned from everything that&#8217;s happened&#8230; The <b>deep learning that is going to help you immeasurably<\/b> in your future&#8230;&#8221;<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Ultimately, we all have to take and make from life what we can.<\/p>\n<p>And Andrea, I&#8217;m pleased to say, recovered fully from her illness and months later told me that she&#8217;d learned to truly treasure the friends who weather the storms with her rather than racing for the lifeboats. In fact, she&#8217;s marrying one such friend next month.<\/p>\n<h3>Would you like to enhance your reframing skills?<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"\/blog\/conversational-reframing-course\/\">Click here to read how my online course &#8216;Conversational Reframing&#8217;<\/a> shows you how to craft cunning reframes and slip them past your clients&#8217; conscious criticisms.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What I do with a client who feels injured, damaged, or cheated by life&#8217;s bad luck.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":6380,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","filesize_raw":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[76,41,27,46,39,38],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v19.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Reframe: &quot;Life&#039;s Not Fair!&quot;<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What I do with a client who feels injured, damaged, or cheated by life&#039;s bad luck.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, 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