{"id":23920,"date":"2026-11-03T00:00:21","date_gmt":"2026-11-03T06:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/?p=23920"},"modified":"2026-11-02T07:53:35","modified_gmt":"2026-11-02T13:53:35","slug":"how-to-help-your-clients-forgive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.unk.com\/blog\/how-to-help-your-clients-forgive\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Help Your Clients Forgive"},"content":{"rendered":"

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.”<\/em><\/p>\n

– Alexander Pope<\/p>\n

“He ruined my life. But now it’s unruined, and I don’t hate him anymore. In fact, I don’t have any particular feelings about him!”<\/p>\n

June, a client I wrote about here<\/a>, had been systematically raped by her uncle (as well as being continually beaten by her grandparents, who were her ‘guardians’, as her father had been incarcerated for killing her mother).<\/p>\n

At the start of our work together, when she was still having vicious flashbacks<\/a> and nightmares<\/a>, she’d said:<\/p>\n

“I just don’t think I can ever forgive him. What he’s done to me!”<\/p>\n

Now, right off the bat, some things are unforgivable<\/a> – but we can also see continued resentment as a kind of self-harm<\/a>.<\/p>\n

It had been 30 years since June had last seen her uncle, yet she had recently seen him at a family wedding. He was old and frail, and June said he just seemed “like nothing” to her now.<\/p>\n

At no point did she try to forgive him because, in a way, she didn’t need to. As we resolved her trauma, the anger and bitterness naturally dissolved too.<\/p>\n

She did say at the end of our work that she had forgiven “even him” – but the time had to be right, and it was only right when the PTSD had been properly processed.<\/p>\n

He was no longer hurting her through the mechanism of her own mind, so it became almost natural to forgive him once the pain had gone. At least, that’s how she described it.<\/p>\n

But it’s not always great trauma we’re dealing with. And sometimes we should<\/em> help clients forgive, because there’s a huge amount to be gained from forgiving.<\/p>\n

Forgiving as part of a healthier lifestyle?<\/h3>\n

In one major study, it was found that people who tend to be more forgiving often experience better mental health and wellbeing over time.1<\/sup> Forgiving others was associated with lower anxiety and depression, greater life satisfaction, and a stronger sense of meaning and purpose<\/a>.<\/p>\n

In addition to its mental health benefits, forgiveness has been linked to positive physical health<\/a> outcomes, including lower blood pressure, reduced cortisol levels, and better self-reported health.2<\/sup><\/p>\n

Forgiveness also appears to be an effective way of managing emotions,<\/a> helping us move on from negative past experiences.3<\/sup> Another study found that women who forgive others are less likely to become depressed.4<\/sup><\/p>\n

So there is a decent amount of evidence that being generally more forgiving isn’t just good for relationships,5<\/sup> but also for the mental and physical health of the person doing the forgiving. Better self<\/em>-forgiveness might be included here.<\/p>\n

So if it seems that forgiveness (of others) is important for your client, how might you help them do that?<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

One: Don’t insist they have to forgive<\/h3>\n

At no point with June did I suggest she was supposed to or had to forgive her predatory uncle. We might ask, “Would you ever want to forgive that person?”, but we don’t need to insist that in order to move on they must forgive.<\/p>\n

We can talk about the benefits of forgiveness or suggest that we can help them be much less bothered by the past<\/a> so they don’t have to ruminate<\/a> so much on it.<\/p>\n

So we might almost negotiate with the client:<\/p>\n

“Would it be good to, say, think about what they did to you 90% less of the time so that you can get on with other things?”<\/p>\n

Notice this isn’t about forgiving so much as leaving the wound alone to heal without continually picking at it.<\/p>\n

I might even suggest:<\/p>\n

“You know, when you do choose to think about it, you can still keep some of that anger or resentment, but maybe at a level that bothers you much less… as well as spending less time renting space out to that person in your head…”<\/p>\n

So you’re not suggesting they totally forgive, which, after all, may be unrealistic for some people at some times in their lives.<\/p>\n

Now, just as self-compassion<\/a> can aid self-forgiveness<\/a>, so too tolerance and compassionate understanding of others can aid in outwardly directed forgiveness.<\/p>\n\n

Two: Understanding and tolerance<\/h3>\n

People tend to naturally become more tolerant and forgiving as they age.6<\/sup> Maybe more life experience produces a greater overview of the foibles and imperfections of other people generally, so empathy can increase.<\/p>\n

Yet to be tolerant of the intolerant or the downright evil may be tantamount to encouraging wicked behaviour in others<\/a>. Forgiveness is not<\/em> about dismantling boundaries<\/a> or being taken for a fool<\/a> in future.<\/p>\n

So becoming more tolerant of others’ transgressions towards us is dependent on context. We can gently explore:<\/p>\n