Stories have a way of being delightfully respectful while containing layers of meaning.
“Adversity is the first path to truth”
– Lord Byron
Not too long ago I had an extremely short question on our monthly Q&A call. It was this:
“How can I help a client regain their self-confidence after a series of disappointments?”
I had no more information about this, so my answer could only contain general ideas.
Sometimes people do experience a terrible series of terrible events (Lemony Snicket comes to mind!). Perhaps life is playing rough with them or perhaps it is a case of protracted self-sabotage – or it could be a combination of both.
If a client comes to you with a terrible and torturous tale of woe, of one damn thing after another, of bad outcomes heaped upon further bad luck, how do you help them make sense of that?
Life and fairness
You can expect a game of chess to be fair. You can (hopefully) expect to get a fair trial or a fair amount of coffee in your cup at the cafe. These aren’t unreasonable expectations of fairness.
You should be able to expect your government to be fair. Though we all know there is no guarantee of that.
But life in general?
Can we expect life to be fair?
Some are born into wealth or opportunity, are ‘genetically gifted’ with looks, or have zero health problems until late in their ninth decade. For better or worse, we are not all born equal. We all, ultimately, have to play the hand we’re dealt as best we can.
Some clients will lament explicitly that “life is not fair!” to which a brutal answer might be: “Who said it was supposed to be?”
But everyone needs a break sometimes. We can’t make huge setbacks and the grief of dashed expectations okay for our clients with a few rapport-busting platitudes or bumper-sticker quotes about positivity. Not everything can be ‘made right’. But sometimes we can help open up the possibility of growth from adversity more subtly, without laying it on with a trowel.
Excessive positivity in the face of dire circumstances can be the biggest turn-off since white socks with sandals and shorts.
Sometimes we can simply tell a therapeutic story and let the client make their own connections.
The heart of the matter
Stories go straight to the heart of the matter. Stories have a way of being delightfully respectful while containing layers of meaning, some working directly on an unconscious level. They don’t tell a client they are wrong to feel the way they do but they can open up doors of possibility for feeling more hopeful.
Anyway, in my answer to the question below I tell a story that I told to a man who had also had a series of disappointments. I also give you some ideas on the nature of disappointment and its opposite, relief – both of which are linked to expectations.
Some therapists ask how they should introduce a story into their therapy. I’ve found one way is simply to say:
“Well this all reminds me of a story… and maybe I can tell it to you now.”
This can be a wonderful way of opening your client’s ‘attention gates‘. Curiosity or even confusion is the precursor to learning and growth.
“Why does my story remind him or her of another story?” we are hoping they might wonder. “What is this? What’s going on?”
We never need explain a story to a client, just let it do its work.
Listen to Mark’s answer or read below
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Aspan’s question
“Hello. How can I help a client regain their self-confidence after a series of disappointments?”
Mark’s answer
Hi Aspen.
Sometimes it seems that problems, like bananas, do come in bunches.
There’s an old aphorism which says, “Consider yourself unlucky only if you are a funeral director and people stop dying.”
And yes, that’s a bit extreme! But self-pity has limitations and can start to be the lens through which we see life. We form expectations, sometimes very tight ones, as to how life should be, how other people and ourselves should look, sound, and act; and if our imaginings aren’t adhered to by how reality pans out then the clash of reality against expectation is either disappointment or, if what we feared would happen didn’t happen, relief.
In some scenarios it’s as well to examine what we were expecting to produce the spark of disappointment or relief. In other words, our relief or disappointment are signals that can help us examine what we were expecting but also why we were expecting it. This can lead to greater self-knowledge.
Softening expectations sometimes, not having them too rigid, can help make us more flexible and adaptive human beings.
Now your client may have had a series of unfortunate events. In your very succinct question you don’t specify what the nature of these disappointments were.
And life may have been hard on him. I guess any reframe presenting the pattern that it is life’s setbacks that can shape us would have to be done in a subtle and sympathetic way.
Sometimes saying to a client, “You know, this reminds me of a story…” and then telling them that story can be a way of opening the attention gates of their mind. They are left wondering why their story reminds you of another story. I recall telling a story to a man who had also had many setbacks he felt were largely his own fault.
The story I told him went something like this:
Once, a rich man went to see a wise man, wishing to become wise himself. But instead of the lesson he hoped for, the ancient man said:
“Not until a fresh red rose blooms in the darkest middle of winter will one as misguided as you ever attain wisdom. Now go!”
Angered and doubtful, the man dismissed the words as nonsense. Yet from that day, his life began to crumble. Friends left him, his wife died, and all his wealth slipped away. Soon he was penniless, wandering the land alone, with only a cloak to guard him from the cold.
Often the old man’s words returned to him:
“Not until a red rose blooms in midwinter…”
One bitter day he came upon a boy freezing by the road. “Please lend me your coat,” the boy whispered. At first he refused, but then he thought, “I am nothing now – why should I keep what might save him?” He gave the boy his cloak, and the boy lived.
At that very moment, deep in a shadowy wood, a seed stirred beneath the frozen soil.
Later he met a woman faint with thirst. “Give me your water,” she begged. Again he hesitated, then offered his last drop. And the seed broke the earth, growing swiftly toward the light.
Finally, near exhaustion, he found an old man starving. Without a word, he handed over his last bread. And just then, in that same cold wood, a rose burst into brilliant bloom – right in the middle of winter.
And how that man rose again is another story… perhaps one meant for you.
Now that story matches the pattern of a series of setbacks and disappointments but adds another dimension. Stories, as we know, appeal to the unconscious mind. It matches the pattern of the problem but adds a dimension of unexpectedness and hope.
Your client, Aspen, may have gotten into a pattern of only seeing the negative and filtering out the positives from life. Research has found that people who consider themselves lucky are actually more likely to spot opportunities, while those who consider themselves unlucky often fail to see them.1
Anyway, one intervention here might be to get him to keep a gratitude journal, simply asking him to write down at the end of each day three things he was grateful for that day. Anything at all – a baby’s smile, some beautiful flowers, a pleasant conversation, anything. In that way he begins to train himself out of any negatively biased mindset he may have gotten into. Keeping a gratitude journal has been shown to have both physical and mental benefits.2
Become a reframing ninja!
Mark teaches a popular online course called ‘Conversational Reframing’ where you can hone your language skills to deliver powerful reframes at just the right time, in just the right way.
Read more about Conversational Reframing here.
About Mark Tyrrell
Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses.
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