Gaslighting can appear in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, and even friendships. It is in essence a form of disguised bullying.
“Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?”
– Desdemona, manipulated by Iago in Othello by William Shakespeare
This is a weird one.
Twenty years ago a client I’ll call Philippa came to see me. She was depressed and it didn’t take me long to see why. Her self-confidence had crumbled, her self-esteem was gone.
Back then I hadn’t heard of the term ‘gaslighting’ but Philippa had certainly been a victim of it. This is one example that really caused my eyes to widen and mouth to drop (in an entirely professional way I hope!).
She told me her husband, Kieran, had been putting her down and making her doubt herself “over everything” for years, and now she didn’t really know her own mind anymore, or that’s how it felt.
I asked her to give me an example of a recent time her husband had made her doubt her own mind. She told me the following anecdote:
“I’m not here!”
Apparently Kieran had told Philippa he was going away on business for the day to a town a hundred miles north of their seaside residence.
Later that day Philippa took their dog for a walk by the sea. She got a terrible shock though. She saw Kieran walking hand in hand with another woman.
“It was like my stomach dropped out of me Mark! I just couldn’t believe it. I could tell he’d seen me so I went up to them, but all I could say quietly was ‘I thought you were away up north today.’ He looked back at me and said, ‘I am up north! I’m not here today; I told you, I’m up north working!’ I was so stunned I just carried on walking and almost believed he was away in another town simply because he told me he was. You must think I’m really stupid Mark.”
I reassured her that of course I didn’t think she was stupid. The sheer gall of the man, to look his wife in the eye and tell her he wasn’t there right in front of her…! Well, I’ve seldom heard of a more outrageous example of what has come to be known as ‘gaslighting’. But it’s a good example of the effects this form of emotional manipulation can have on people.
So what exactly is gaslighting?
Erosion of a strong sense of self
Gaslighting is a deeply destabilizing form of psychological manipulation that erodes a person’s ability to trust their own reality. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband deliberately dims the gaslights in the home and insists to his wife that she is imagining it. Over time, she begins to question her memory, her perception, and her sanity.
Gaslighting can appear in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, and even friendships. It is in essence a form of disguised bullying.
It is subtle at times (“I never said that; you must be imagining things”) and blatant at others (“That’s not what happened at all, you’re crazy.”) I think it’s safe to assume that the Philippa example was of the blatant variety!
Either way, the goal is the same: to gain control by destabilizing another’s confidence in their own reality.
It’s important to remember that most of us at one time or another have probably strayed into the land of the gaslight, however fleetingly. Maybe we’ve been a bit manipulative here and there, perhaps telling a partner they’re “crazy” or “paranoid” to think something in the heat of an argument. It can be hard to be perfect in a relationship!
But a true gaslighter will, after initially love bombing their target, begin to introduce more and more gaslighting tactics until it happens virtually all the time.
So what specific behaviours are we looking at? How can we spot it?
Common features of gaslighting
Gaslighting typically involves one or more of these tactics:
- Denial: “I never said that.”
- Blatant lies: Creating false versions of events. (“I am away in another town, not here in front of you!” is an extreme example.)
- Misdirection: Changing the subject to avoid accountability. One time when Philippa had confronted her husband over missing funds from her bank account he’d just started talking about how her mother had never liked him.
- Minimization: “You’re overreacting; it’s not a big deal. Stop being so touchy!” This may also include diagnosing, as in “My God, I swear you’re bipolar/borderline/fill in the blank.”
- Projection: Accusing the victim of behaviours the gaslighter is guilty of.
- Erosion: Slowly undermining the victim’s confidence and self-worth by subtly (and not so subtly) putting them down and generally being critical.
- Proxy: Recruiting others to back up their narrative. Kieran had told his friend at work and also a neighbour that Philippa was “hell to live with” then told her how sympathetic they were to him. Sometimes false teaming occurs, in which the gaslighter will tell the victim that other people are also worried about their mental stability; this may or may not be true. Kieran often told Philippa that other people thought she was “mad” too but wouldn’t always specify who these other people were.
If this is happening a lot and directed at you from someone with a strong personality then, over time, as with any brainwashing, you can start to doubt your own take on things.
- “Maybe the gaslight really isn’t dimming!”
- “Maybe we really didn’t have the conversation I thought we’d had!”
- “Maybe my husband really isn’t here in front of me with another woman!”
It sounds extreme, but the effects of gaslighting can be.
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The psychological impact on the victim can be profound. Clients who have been gaslit often present with anxiety, depression, chronic self-doubt and self-blame, indecision, shame, and an ongoing sense of confusion.
They may even question whether they are “overreacting” simply by seeking therapy from you.
For therapists, the challenge is to help clients disentangle from the manipulator’s distorted narrative and reconnect with their own sense of reality and autonomy. I’ve distilled seven therapeutic steps to guide this process.
One: Acknowledge and recognize what is happening
Many victims of gaslighting struggle to label what they’re experiencing. Back when I saw Philippa, ‘gaslighting’ as a concept wasn’t a thing yet. I could tell that half of her thought she was the one being unreasonable, although she did concede that she had actually seen her husband in her home town when he was meant to be a hundred miles away!
I told her in no uncertain terms that she had been and was being manipulated by her husband. There were so many examples every day.
I suggested that whenever her husband (who was head of a sales team and could be extremely convincing) argued that she was seeing things wrong, she could ask herself these two questions:
- “What is he trying to make me feel?”
- “Why might he want me to feel this way?” (In other words, what might he have to gain from this?)
These questions allow the client to step back and observe patterns rather than getting caught in emotional reactivity. By simply asking herself these questions Philippa began to be less triggered and was better able to realize that she wasn’t the one “seeing things all wrong”.
By recognizing tactics such as denial, guilt tripping, or misdirection, clients begin to see that the distortion is intentional and not a failure of their own perception.
Next we need to firmly take the next step with our clients.
Two: Normalize that manipulation is never okay
Clients often excuse the gaslighter’s behaviour: “They had a hard childhood” or “They’re just stressed.” While empathy is a strength, it can become a liability when it enables abuse. Therapists can help clients separate explanation from justification.
An important reframe: The gaslighter’s struggles may explain why they manipulate, but they never excuse it. Just as a physical assault cannot be excused by someone’s stress, nor can psychological abuse. Any bad behaviour can be explained, but this doesn’t mean it has to be allowed.
This clarity prevents clients from colluding in their own mistreatment.
Likewise, recognizing why some people are more likely to be targeted by a gaslighter isn’t to blame the victim but rather to get some clarity on what’s happening – which is what we need to do in the next step.
Three: Identify and challenge ‘guilt buttons’
Gaslighters weaponize guilt. For example:
- “If you were a real friend, you’d…”
- “After all I’ve done for you, how could you not…?”
- “If you really loved me, you’d….”
Clients may carry deeply ingrained beliefs such as “I must always be kind” or “A good partner never says no.” These become easy ‘entry points’ for manipulation. Philippa’s husband Kieran was using her natural conscientiousness and belief in marriage against her by suggesting she was lazy and unconcerned when it came to their marriage.
She felt that somehow she had to try harder, that it was all down to her. He would also blame her for “making” him lose his temper and become aggressive with her. It was as though he held no responsibility.
Therapy can help clients recognize these internalized rules and test them:
- “Is it true that saying no makes me a bad person?”
- “Can I think of times when I’ve been a loyal friend despite saying no?”
By rehearsing alternative narratives, clients weaken the hold of guilt triggers and develop resilience to manipulative language. I used hypnosis with Philippa to rehearse not reacting to guilt triggers and feel more separated from the emotional turmoil her husband tried to create.
Speaking of which…
Four: Use clear, externalizing language
Language matters. Referring to the manipulator’s behaviour as “tactics”, “techniques”, or “button pushing” creates distance between the client and the distorted narrative. Instead of “I’m such a bad friend”, the client can start to think, “She’s using the ‘bad friend’ tactic again.”
When speaking to Philippa I matter-of-factly asked about “tactics, methods, techniques, and so on” when it came to the gaslighting she was experiencing. This was validating for her and also helped her feel more detached from the behaviour and more confident about her own take on things.
Externalizing the behaviour helps clients recognize the dynamics at play without automatically defending or excusing the abuser. It shifts the focus from self-blame to pattern recognition.
If your gaslit client does seem to be a person for whom buttons get pushed easily then the next step is useful.
Five: Explore the origins of over-guilt and over-empathy
Many clients who are vulnerable to gaslighting were conditioned early to be hyper-attuned to others’ needs. They may have grown up in households where love was conditional, or where keeping the peace meant silencing their own feelings.
Exploring these origins can help clients understand why they are especially prone to gaslighting. Some may carry what could be called ‘pathological’ empathy, a tendency to excuse or absorb others’ pain at their own expense.
Reframing empathy as something that requires boundaries – “I can care for you without sacrificing myself” – is a key developmental task in therapy.
So how might we create such boundaries?
Six: Build and practise boundaries
Healthy boundaries are one of the most effective antidotes to gaslighting. Encourage clients to decide in advance what they will and will not tolerate. Examples include:
- Walking away when a conversation turns manipulative
- Saying calmly, “I won’t continue this conversation if you keep dismissing me.”
- Using short, firm statements: “That’s not true” or “I don’t accept that version of events.”
Philippa had been trying to convince her husband of her point of view but of course he wasn’t interested in debate, in her perspective. I said to her at one point that “You don’t turn a lion into a vegetarian by throwing vegie burgers at it.”
Boundary-setting can feel daunting for clients who fear conflict. Rehearsal, whether through in-session role play or hypnotic rehearsal techniques, can help clients embody new responses until they feel more natural.
I worked with Philippa on developing her powers of assertion, and she began to find her voice again in life, both generally and specifically when it came to sticking up for herself with her husband.
When boundaries are upheld, two shifts occur: the client feels more empowered, and the gaslighter learns that the old tactics no longer pay off. These steps should naturally lead to the final step.
Seven: Restore self-trust and confidence
Gaslighting’s most corrosive effect is the erosion of self-trust. Clients may doubt their memory, judgment, or even sanity. Restoring confidence is both the end goal and the ongoing work of therapy.
You might encourage your clients to:
- Keep a reality journal: Writing down conversations, events, or feelings can help them validate their own perceptions.
- Seek corroboration: Trusted friends, family, or even therapists can serve as reality anchors.
- Rehearse empowerment: Visualization or hypnotic rehearsal of standing firm in the face of manipulation makes future boundary-setting easier.
- Affirm autonomy: Remind clients that, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, no one can make them feel guilty or inferior without their consent.
- Ensure your client meets their emotional needs in balance away from the problematic relationship where appropriate. Relentless gaslighting had stolen so much of Philippa’s self-confidence over the years that she’d stopped seeing friends or even her family so much. Certainly gaslighters will often try to restrict contact with relationship ‘outsiders’.
Philippa started seeing her own friends again. Kieran didn’t like this, or her new attitude in general, but it enabled her to see the bigger picture of life again.
Gaslighting is a relationship power game, but it is not an inevitable one. When therapists help clients recognize manipulative tactics, disentangle guilt from responsibility, and set firm boundaries, clients reclaim their sense of reality and worth.
Perhaps most importantly, therapy gives gaslit clients the space to rediscover that their perceptions are valid, their boundaries matter, and their confidence can be restored.
By supporting clients through this process, therapists do more than end a cycle of manipulation; they help foster the conditions for a genuine, reciprocal relationship to emerge with the person who is doing the gaslighting, if that is possible.
I did ask Philippa if she wanted to continue her marriage, if she loved him, but I was careful not to be too suggestive and we looked at how to make her marriage stronger. But ultimately she divorced him, which, in her words, was “sad in some ways, but better in more ways.”
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No matter what your form of therapy, counselling or coaching, knowing the principles of indirect hypnosis can greatly improve your efficacy. At the simplest level, knowing how to relax someone deeply can be wonderfully therapeutic for anxious clients. And understanding the subtle art of influence adds a whole new dimension to your work. Read more about Mark’s online course Uncommon Hypnotherapy here.
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About Mark Tyrrell
Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses.
Find out more about my trauma treatment course hereYou can also get my articles on YouTube, find me on Instagram, Amazon, Twitter, and Facebook.
