How to Help Lonely Clients

While online communities can be a way of meeting some of our needs for connection and human attention, nothing can really replace actual, face-to-face encounters.

“If we treat people without consideration for their feelings and do not know it, we shall always be suffering from their wish to keep away from us.“

– Maurice Nicoll

“The problem is, I just don’t see anyone.”

Derrick never uttered the L word. He’d moved to our town six years before, but somehow never really met friends.

He told me dolefully how he’d tried to join clubs, such as a sea swimming club, but he’d soon left: “Everyone seemed to know each other already.”

I’ve written about helping lonely clients before. I just want to offer you a few more considerations here, because loneliness seems to be getting more widespread and its consequences can be dire.

Epidemic is perhaps an overused word. But in 2022 The British Medical Journal published the results of a meta-analysis of 57 separate studies of loneliness in 113 countries.¹ It found that a high percentage of people across all these countries experienced a serious level of loneliness.

Back in 2018 another study appearing in The Lancet determined that a whopping one-third of people in industrialized countries experience loneliness, with one in twelve feeling lonely at very damaging levels.²

But what of the actual experience of loneliness?

On an individual level, loneliness can suck the meaning from life and generally be miserable. It can cause both mental and physical harm.³

When we have a lack in life, we try to meet it any way we can (even if we don’t consciously know that’s what we’re doing). But some attempts to assuage loneliness may make the problem worse.

Online is no replacement for the real

Derrick had felt lonely for many years. He had no family living nearby, and even those that lived far away weren’t, by his account, “great communicators”.

What’s more, while online communities can be a way of meeting some of our needs for connection and human attention, nothing can really replace actual, face-to-face encounters.

It’s been found that strong in-person social networks are associated with lower rates of depression, anxiety, and even dementia.³

And other research found that online ‘socializing’ without actually meeting up with people may even increase loneliness and depression, especially among young social media users.⁴

For millions of us, our ‘social life’ now consists in bowing our heads down while peering into the soulless electronic gleam of a smartphone.

Derrick had gotten into the habit of scrolling through other people’s profiles, looking at pictures of happy smiling couples and friendship groups, in a desperate search for connection.

Derrick needed friends. Friends he could see, hear, and speak with in real time and space.

“But I just don’t know how!”

Some people naturally seem to attract friends and be able to keep them. The capacity to form and maintain friendships may, in part, be down to innate personality differences. But if clients are struggling to develop friendships, we need to remind them that there are skills they can develop to help them.

Harsh as it sounds, we need to look at what may be putting others off. Is there anything about your lonely clients that might be repelling other people? (Not that we’d necessarily put it in quite those terms to the client!)

The point is, making friends isn’t always something that ‘just happens’, especially for those who perhaps work in isolating ways, as Derrick did.

So let’s get down to it.

Step one: Look for repellent factors in your client’s behaviour

Now we don’t need to suggest to our clients they shouldn’t be themselves or natural with others. But at the same time, sometimes we would all do well to just take a step back, choose what to share, and remember we affect other people in good but also potentially bad ways.

Some people naturally come across as more abrasive than others. They have a habit of rubbing people the wrong way, often without even realizing it.

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Of course, personality clashes are inevitable – that’s just part of life. But for some, building connections with others seems to be a bigger challenge. And truthfully, many of us could benefit from refining our social skills.

There are three main reasons why people struggle to get along with others:

1. They are aware they upset people but simply don’t care.
2. They unintentionally offend or put others off.
3. They recognize that they put people off but don’t quite understand why.

Derrick was in category 3. He’d attended some local meetup groups, but soon gave up because he sensed others found him “difficult to be with”.

I suspected he was too desperate for attention – so starving that when he was in an ‘attention-exchange situation’ (more traditionally referred to as a ‘social situation’) he would ravenously consume as much attention as he could without necessarily extending attention to other people!

I hoped that speaking to me once a week, being listened to, may help Derrick develop the spare capacity to start listening to others better, if indeed that was a problem. We needed to dig deeper into this.

Step two: Address repellent factors and replace them

I suggested to Derrick that people find others ‘difficult’ for one or more of the following reasons. They may be:

• Demanding, gruff, rude, or overly serious
• Unremittingly negative, sarcastic, or cynical
• Prone to talking at people, not with them: permanently set to transmit but seemingly with no ‘receive’ button, making others feel invisible or irrelevant
• ‘Hard work’ for others in that they clam up and don’t speak or disclose anything
• Too obviously desperate to make friends.

Those were all the possibilities I could think of. I hypnotized Derrick, helped him relax deeply, and had him observe himself ‘from the outside’, as objectively as possible, as he recalled a recent social interaction. He was to notice what he was like during that time.

He later told me he’d looked “sour” and had been complaining about his life and “not listening much” to other people.

Now we were getting somewhere. We talked about what other, more attractive ways of being might also be more fun. I had him hypnotically observe himself being more relaxed, fun, sociable, and curious, and listening more. He then hypnotically experienced this way of being and enjoyed the session.

Next I suggested that friendship isn’t just about getting something but knowing how to give.

Step three: Be a friend to get a friend

Just as success and happiness are byproducts of living a certain way rather than ends in themselves, so too rather than trying to get friends we may find that being a friend is the way to go. We give so we can receive.

Of course, we can’t force our friendship on others, and desperation tends to be distasteful – but we can offer people something.

I explained to Derrick that people will tend to want to make friends with you if they feel you meet some of their emotional needs. So:

• If you make them laugh, you’re giving them stimulation.
• If you look out for them, you’re making them feel safe and secure.
• If you encourage them and point out their strengths, you’re giving them a sense of status.
• If you ask their advice or share intimacies, you’re making them feel trusted and connected with you.

We discussed the rules of good listening, particularly how referring back to something a person had said previously was a great way of building rapport, as it shows you really listen.

I spoke to Derrick about what he felt he had to offer. He thought about this and disclosed that he might be able to be a good listener. That in the past people had told him he could be funny. He was basically kind and decent. He was very well read and knew a lot, so maybe he could be interesting sometimes.

I encouraged him to resume sea swimming every morning, but just for enjoyment, not with a view to make friends. If he did make friends, that would be a pleasant side effect of the activity.

Weird in a good way

Along with other behavioural interventions for loneliness, Derrick started to feel more relaxed about not getting friends instantly, about just being around people and interacting with them.

The sea swimmers started inviting him to social events. Serendipitously, he found he had a lot in common with another man in a neighbouring apartment, and they’d hang out together sometimes. He no longer felt ravenous for attention, and because this gave him spare capacity he was able to listen as well as talk.

So, in summary:

• Loneliness is widespread and harmful. Studies show a significant percentage of people in industrialized countries experience loneliness, with serious mental and physical consequences.
• Online socializing is no replacement for real-life interaction. Strong in-person networks reduce depression, anxiety, and even dementia, while excessive online engagement can worsen loneliness.

Some people struggle with making friends due to their social behaviour. This is an area where we can make a real difference for our clients.

• Self-awareness is key to social success. Derrick was unintentionally repelling people due to his social habits (complaining too much, not listening).
• Improving social skills can help. Recognizing and addressing offputting behaviours, such as being overly negative, self-focused, or desperate for attention, can make social interactions more enjoyable for both parties. We might use mindfulness training or hypnotic techniques to help our clients develop awareness of where they might be going wrong and also help them improve their emotional and behavioural patterns.
• Friendship is about giving, not just getting. People connect with those who fulfil their emotional needs, for example by making them laugh, offering support, or showing genuine interest in their lives.
• Activities can be pursued for enjoyment, not just to make friends. Derrick resumed sea swimming and, as a result, naturally built friendships over time – without desperation, because he was doing the activity for its own sake.
• As we fulfil the need for attention, we develop spare capacity to listen. By reducing his social neediness, Derrick became more present and enjoyable to be around, leading to organic social connections.

Bit by bit, the invisible clouds of lonely sadness hovering over Derrick began to clear. He told me that he was shocked to find one morning that he’d woken up feeling happy.

“It’s weird,” he said. “But in a good way.”

Reframe quickly, subtly, and artfully

Is there a more important therapeutic skill than being able to deliver a carefully crafted, well-timed reframe? The right reframe can change a client’s emotional set in an instant and make a profound difference that echoes into the future. Take a look at Mark’s Conversational Reframing course here.

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About Mark Tyrrell

Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses.

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