In cultures where modesty and conformity are often prized over individual success, standing out can come at a cost.
“I feel like I have to apologize for doing well.”
Maya, a 34-year-old marketing executive, came to therapy after experiencing persistent anxiety and burnout. Following a major promotion, she found herself isolating from friends and obsessing over every minor mistake.
Her mother had said: “So what, dear! Loads of people get promoted!”
Her father had said: “Oh… have I shown you the new pear tree I’ve planted?”
Raised in a tight-knit immigrant family, Maya had internalized a belief that standing out meant betraying her roots.
Her siblings often joked that she was the “overachiever”, and she found herself deliberately downplaying her success to avoid criticism. The joy of achievement had been replaced by guilt and fear.
Maya’s case illustrates how tall poppy syndrome (TPS) often hides in plain sight and how deeply it can impact a person’s sense of self-worth and belonging.
Success can become an embarrassment.
In cultures where modesty and conformity are often prized over individual success, standing out can come at a cost. Many clients walk into therapy with a quiet burden: the fear of being ‘too much’, achieving ‘too much’, or simply being seen. This is a sign of TPS that I’ve certainly seen a few times, and maybe you have too.
Let’s dig deeper.
What is tall poppy syndrome?
Tall poppy syndrome refers to the cultural tendency to cut down those who stand out due to their success, talent, or ambition. The metaphor is simple: In a field of poppies, the tallest ones are often cut down to maintain uniformity. While the term itself seems more commonly used in Australia and New Zealand, the mindset is widespread and can manifest in various forms of peer shaming, self-sabotage, or imposter syndrome.
When I say ‘cultural’, that might mean the culture within a family. I recall one client, George, who felt he could never earn more than his father had. Even after his father was dead and gone, he still felt a sense of disloyalty to the man who had continually stated and implied that George would never “amount to anything”.
TPS can affect anyone, but it’s particularly damaging to individuals who are beginning to find their voice, develop a talent, or build career momentum. Personal success can trigger feelings of guilt, anxiety, or unworthiness.
I’ve noticed people suffering low self-esteem not only deflect compliments (viewing them as either insincere or misguided!) but also can be uneasy in the face of success. They may even develop imposter syndrome, a sense that they shouldn’t really be in the position they are – that, if justice were really served, they would remain in a lower position.
If the emotional conditioning of TPS has gone deep with a client, it can cause all kinds of life problems for them.
Why tall poppy syndrome is a therapeutic concern
Clients affected by TPS may present with:
- Fear of outshining friends or family
- Chronic self-doubt or downplaying achievements
- Avoidance of career advancement
- Shame associated with praise or recognition
- Internalized beliefs that “ambition is arrogance”.
In therapy, this can emerge subtly. A client might speak of success as luck, reject compliments, or sabotage opportunities. Recognizing TPS can be a powerful insight that helps unlock a deeper layer of resistance or shame.
So how did I help Maya begin to see that achievement was not a betrayal?
Step one: Normalize the experience and name the syndrome
Start by naming the dynamic. Maya had never actually named her feelings in this regard. When I talked about tall poppy syndrome, it served as a revelation.
When clients can name a phenomenon, it removes the sense that the issue is a personal flaw. It becomes a pattern they can see from the outside, so to speak. When clients get this kind of distance from emotional conditioning, it can be easier to start to detach from it.
I said words to the effect that:
“What you’re experiencing has a name. Many people feel pulled to shrink themselves when they begin to succeed – it’s called tall poppy syndrome. It’s not you; it’s a cultural script.”
Normalize the discomfort of success, and help clients begin not just to see but to feel that this struggle is human – and that this emotional pattern can shift.
We can extend this sense of being more than and outside of TPS by using the following strategy.
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Step two: Explore internalized cultural and familial beliefs
When Maya had been a child, her mother would tell her that she needed to “find a good provider”. The message here was that she shouldn’t strive to be a good provider or enhance herself in any way other than making herself attractive for a potential “good provider”. Of course, if she’d been happy with that herself then who’s to knock it? But fundamentally she wanted to do other things with her life. So she had a conflict.
In the culture Maya was born into, women who applied for university, started a business, or even had a career were often seen as amusing and a little weird. Much of this was implied rather than stated baldly.
TPS often stems from deeply rooted messages learned in childhood or cultural environments. So it’s useful to explore with your client:
- What did your family teach you about success? What do you feel the attitudes were about people who did well (explicit but also implicit)?
- Was ambition viewed as positive or negative?
- How were people who ‘stood out’ treated in your community?
Hypnotic intervention
Maya realized her guilt was tied to an unspoken family rule: “We rise together, or not at all.” Helping her see that she could honour her family while still celebrating her growth was key. I asked her who her career progression was really for, then explored this idea during hypnosis.
I had Maya hypnotically imagine the crew of a ship. In my little metaphorical story, the navigator falls ill and can’t work or even talk. Another character called Alice is the best person to take over the navigator’s role, but she feels she shouldn’t. A sense of frustration builds and builds until at last Alice does what she is best qualified to do.
I suggested to Maya that people have functions that they don’t just get from success but need to fulfil for others. This in a sense helped give her permission to just do what she is great at.
Maya didn’t yet have children but thought she’d like to one day. So I posed the following hypothetical:
“Picture a cute, enthusiastic child. Now imagine that child draws a wonderful picture that their teacher commends. The child brings you the picture proudly. Would you rip it up or sneer, or would you enjoy it and celebrate with your child?”
This kind of thought experiment links to the next strategy.
Step three: Shift from shame to celebration
Clients with TPS often view success as something to hide or apologize for. We can help them reframe achievements as something to celebrate, not just privately but publicly.
There are a couple of simple practices you can introduce that can make a big difference. I asked Maya to do the following tasks.
Write a ‘celebration journal’
I asked Maya to keep a journal for a month of maybe 400 words a day, and particularly pay attention to describing what she was pleased about in the way she’d done something or handled a situation. I emphasized that I wanted it to be about her feeling pleased about something she’d done, regardless of how she imagined it might look to others.
By doing this she began to really notice when she was pleased instead of just thinking about what others might think. But of course no achievement happens in a vacuum, and it’s all too easy to downplay our own achievements to others. So I also asked her to…
Practise accepting compliments without deflecting or downplaying
Maya was in the habit of downplaying her role in things going well, especially at work. I suggested to her that a sincere compliment is like a gift. We can respect the thoughts behind the gift and maybe find that actually the gift is useful or does suit us.
Rather than simply rejecting a compliment or positive professional feedback, I asked Maya to think about in what ways the compliment might have a basis in reality and why the person who gave it would see things the way they did.
Maya could still reject the compliment, but not reflexively and immediately. She was only to reject it if, after careful consideration, she was fully convinced that it was nonsense.
Gradually, Maya began naturally accepting more compliments.
We explored the idea that ambition, wanting to better oneself, can be a process that helps and even inspires others too.
Step four: Develop a healthy relationship with ambition
For Maya, tall poppy syndrome had, to an extent, been internalized. She told me she didn’t want to be “narcissistic” or “selfish” in wanting a better life for herself.
Yet perhaps we can help our TPS clients redefine ambition as a form of self-respect rather than arrogance. With Maya I worked to:
- Identify core values tied to her ambition
- Connect success to meaningful goals (such as helping others, or leaving the world somehow better off than when you arrived!)
- Challenge the belief that visibility equals vulnerability. I suggested to Maya that most people didn’t need to shoot her down. By framing it as “need to” rather than “want to”, I emphasized that it was something people did through weakness rather than because it was right.
Maya came to realize her ambition wasn’t self-centred – it was fuelled by a desire to be a role model for her younger cousins. This reframe shifted everything.
Clichés often become clichés because they contain truth. At some point I uttered the cliché (yes, I’m certainly not always original!) that “A rising tide lifts all boats.”
In other words, of course, a successful person can help others become successful, and behind successful people there are others invisibly supporting – and they are also rising.
I encouraged Maya to hypnotically visualize a field of poppies. As one poppy grew taller, it soon began to notice it had given other poppies ‘permission’ or inspiration to grow too, until the whole field began to reach its potential…
Certainly, support can be critical as we chase success. Sometimes we need to deliberately seek out people who encourage rather than denigrate.
Step five: Build a support network that celebrates rather than competes
Many clients stay stuck in TPS because their environments reinforce it. Therapy can help them identify people who celebrate rather than compete, who uplift rather than undercut.
Ask:
- Who in your life genuinely celebrates your wins?
- Who makes you feel like you have to dim your light?
This wasn’t about blaming people for not seeming to want her to succeed, but rather just delineating the different kinds of people. But I did suggest that “A real friend is one who is uplifted by your successes… perhaps as much as you!”
I also suggested that other people might need time to acclimate to her professional progress: “It might take a while, but we often see that eventually people become proud and pleased by what others do… even if it doesn’t show at first.”
Maya had never really considered that before.
So more generally we might encourage intentional connection with mentors, friends, or groups where excellence is normalized, not punished.
Maya joined a professional women’s circle focused on empowerment. She began to feel less alone, more seen, and more energized by mutual celebration.
Tall poppy syndrome may not be an official diagnosis, but its emotional impact is real. As therapists, we have the opportunity to challenge the cultural scripts that tell our clients to shrink, apologize, or hide away.
By naming the pattern, exploring the roots, and empowering clients to reframe their stories, we help them reclaim their right to thrive unapologetically. Helping clients like Maya stand tall isn’t just about career success, it’s about healing the fear that comes with being seen by others.
It’s no small achievement when you enable clients to become proud, unapologetic ‘poppies’ in a world that needs more colour.
Maya eventually told me that she was starting to feel that her success didn’t have to diminish others or diminish her but be uplifting for “all of us”.
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About Mark Tyrrell
Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses.
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